WE NEVER CHOOSE THE WRONG LOVER
When you think of the last person you made love with / decided to partner with, how does it make you feel?
Recently a discussion of my last lover/short-lived-partner surfaced, I shared who and why with someone else, and it made me feel really embarrassed, I had already experienced a feeling of regret earlier in the year when I looked back at my choice, mainly because I felt like I got tricked, I felt like I chose wrong, I wasn’t even physically or sexually attracted to him when I first met him, I had no intention to share myself sexually with this man, however as I spent time with him my heart started opening with his, I saw we shared similar lifestyle values, and my guidance was telling me to go for it, express yourself freely and experience expansion through the connection, however my intuition also made me feel that something was being hidden, I couldn’t quite work out what, and didn’t question it, or anything for that matter. By not asking questions I didn’t honour myself, I didn’t want to catch someone out on lying, make them feel uncomfortable or feel like I was interrogating them, however by not asking questions I dishonoured myself and my intuition, by not asking questions I allowed truths to be swept under the rug, which then kept me blind until they surfaced naturally on their own (all things surface, especially when we ask them to).
Looking back at choosing this lover, or better yet, saying yes to this lover, I felt sick in my stomach, I was angry at myself, I felt like such an idiot, however as I dug a bit deeper I realised that I was not angry at this person, I was angry at myself, angry for not listening to that inner voice letting me know things were being hidden, angry for not standing up for my own self worth by asking questions, asking the questions would have given me more clarity and helped me decide if I truly wanted to part take in the connection or not. When we avoid what our intuition guides us to do in order to prevent offending or hurting another, we in turn offend and hurt ourselves. I’ve experienced a similar situation to this in the past five years (once with a lover/intimate partner and once with a friend), but this experience appears to be the final push, I drew the biggest line in the sand to not accept anything less than authenticity from others, to not accept anyone who does not appreciate or respect me, I will not lower my standards especially in the name of love, and I will ask questions whenever my intuition tells me something is not as it seems. To really know someone takes time, not everyone needs to be an angel, in fact some of the funnest beings to be around have both angel and demon within them, however there is a difference between being authentic and wearing a mask, the latter can cause quite a lot of damage. As women (I’m sure this applies to men too), it takes time to see beneath someone who has hunted us down, it takes time to work out their intentions and truly decide if what they want to experience with us aligns with our Highest Good.
When I finally took myself out of being Sarah, and looked back at this connection from someone outside of myself, I could see that all of the decisions I made were the right ones for me in that moment of time, I didn’t have the knowledge or the experience to be strong enough to question what felt inauthentic to me - I needed this experience to teach me, I needed this experience to expand, and for that I am thankful! I am thankful for more, this person reflected to me someone who shows no signs of guilt or shame around their sexuality, it inspired me for my own path, this person’s confidence in being them and doing what they feel, inspired me to accept more of who I am and give myself permission to shine more, to be less apologetic for myself and my character, the days we spent together brought me great joy, auspicious circumstances such as a tree branch falling and blocking off the road out of where he lives made me think Universal energies were encouraging this connection, perhaps they were? Through this connection I have grown so much, I have learnt both more of what I do like and more of what I don’t like, I have become more clear on what I will tolerate and what I will not, additionally I am becoming more clear on what kind of a person I would be open to creating a partnership with, this partnering was short lived, but it was perfectly timed for where I was on my path, it pushed me onto the exact path I am on now, and I cannot help but feel so much gratitude for where I am in this moment, I am so clear, inspired and focused on my Soul Work , I am enjoying an immune system cleanse/boost, I am content being alone (all-one), but also inspired to share with another, I am open to love but not in a hurry, I am open to meeting the man who I might connect with and choose to father my children, but I’m not needy for this - I feel like I am putting me first before anything or anyone else, I have fine tuned my balance of giving to others and giving to myself, I am trusting in the process of life, and a big believer of Divine time.
Would I choose to reconnect with this person as a lover? From where I am now, absolutely not, but if I were to go back in time and be where I was when I met him, then yes, because if it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else very similar - I needed to learn what I learnt, I needed the push to put myself and my intuitive guidance first.
After learning these lessons, I can already see my vibration has shifted, by the men I am now attracting into my world, I see the value of myself reflected through them. Furthermore, Spirit presented me with another situation that allowed me to play out the lessons I have learnt, proving to myself that I have truly learnt them and allowing myself the feeling of both satisfaction and gratitude once acting in accordance with the new wisdom. I met someone I was open to connecting with but someone I had absolutely no intention to be sexual with, there was no attraction there and no alignment of lifestyle values, however I allowed the space to connect and see why I had the feeling to experience the connection - after a couple of days spent together, some things that this new man was telling me did not match what my intuition was telling me, so I asked questions and I shared my truth of what I felt and thought, my truth seemed to offend this person who became defensive, asking me who I thought I was (I often ask myself that same question), I know I was not and am not trying to be anything grander than myself, but by honouring myself I will naturally make those who do not honour themselves feel uneasy. This reaction showed me there was an inauthenticity being expressed by this person, whether he was aware of it or not, that does not matter, what does matter is that I’ve learnt to now honour my intuition and ask questions when something does not marry up or does not FEEL right, this kind of living feels like a graduation into a new cycle of empowered woman, an ability to question and also see through masks. My dream last night confirmed the teaching, it showed me how I could see through someone’s actions that seemed harmless but actually had a hidden agenda. Learning this and choosing to ask questions does not mean I will be any less compassionate, loving, or kind, however it does mean I am more discerning with people, in particular men wanting some sort of a connection with me (friend, business affiliate, mentor, or lover).
I encourage all of my sisters and daughters to ask questions, there is nothing wrong with wanting more clarity, and it is difficult to make decisions when we do not have enough information. We do not need to be aggressive with our questioning, simply curious - curious because our intuition is telling us something does not match with what we are being showed, curious because we are unsure, curious because we simply would like more information, curious because we would like to learn. Curious because sometimes we feel stronger than we see, think, or know.
May you release all regret, shame and guilt, and know that there are never any mistakes, simply mis-takes based on the data that we have in each moment of life. May you learn to see the gifts that have come through difficult learning, may you keep your heart open, release and heal any wounds, so you may step fresh into a new start, a new cycle, emanating the wise and compassionate woman that you are constantly evolving out of and into, every single day. May you thank all playmates that come along your path, release those who have served their purpose yet no longer serve your Highest Good, may you continuously learn, expand, grow, and say yes to all kinds of love, may you know your worth and see your gifts, may you fearlessly step forward and call in change when needed, may you be and do. Namaste dear one.