AUTUMN to WINTER.
I see Autumn as a season of release, we learn to shed what is not needed anymore, as we prepare for Winter, a season of both resting and going within. Akin to a tree that releases its flowers and its leaves in order to sustain energy through the colder months.
I found myself shedding tears in the most unlikely places and situations last week, I simply couldn't hold them in, I wanted to be 'strong', I wanted to hide my tears and show the world that I am in control of myself... but I felt so tired that I had absolutely no control. My eyes were a waterfall in the lushest part of the rainforest.
Someone sincerely told me to 'toughen up', and without thinking I told her that I try to, but I can't, and like a flash I instantly realised that I didn't need to, for the first time in my fucking life I KNEW that I did not need to toughen up, I have constantly tried to be someone who I am not, a strong woman who can command herself to not cry – THAT SIMPLY IS NOT ME, I feel things so damn deep, I live my life quite openly, I wouldn't say I'm weak, I'm pretty fearless in some parts of life, however I also have learnt that in times of feeling overly tired, and especially when I put too much on my plate there is simply no room to blockade tears... my eyes become floodgates that need releasing. I thought I was broken last week, until I spent a morning going within and surfacing what I was experiencing! The tears made room for clarity, I woke up the next day a little worn out from the emotional release, yet able to tap into what I was feeling on a deeper level. I felt stuck, I was working a job (just two days a week) that didn't feel right for me anymore, those two days were depleting me, I was sleeping late and waking up late, it was effecting my entire week. Yet I felt too scared to let it go because I got used to that money every fortnight. I constantly hear that life is too short to not do the things you love and if I could tell my 20 - 27 year old self two things, I would tell her to let go of trying to have everything figured out and follow what she FEELS like doing, rather than what she THINKS she should do, in the moment where I realise that letting go of this job is what I really needed to do, I felt so much relief and inspiration! I am finally going to just let go, trust, and use the fear of not having that fortnightly pay as motivation to focus my attention on what work does bring me joy. Let's see how this goes.
My first big cry last week, was the very moment before I was to walk over and do my weekly grocery shop, I didn't have much of anything edible at home so it was either go and shop and hope that no one asks if I am okay, or go home and feel even more miserable without any gorgeous food! The STRONG WOMAN in me chose to do my shop, puffy, teary eyes and all! With hindsight I have realised that an authentic woman is stronger in my opinion than a closed woman (someone who forces herself to hide how she feels), each to their own, this is simply my way of looking at women/myself.
My second big cry was just before I was due to drive myself home after work, it was quite late and the car had the fuel light on, I live 35 km away from where I was so unless I wanted to sleep overnight in the car I needed to get fuel. I filled up the car, with my head down I walked inside to pay. Feeling like a crazy woman, I kept my head down, hoping my messy watery eyes wouldn't be noticed. The person serving though was a young woman, she knew something was up and asked with empathy if I was okay, then realised what she had asked and apologised for having asked the worst question you can possibly ask someone trying to hold back tears, it was too late, the tears streamed down all over my face and I was mortified, I wanted to get out of there ASAP. The young woman was so incredibly magic, I could feel her compassion so strong, she told me 'this was me the other night, I was in here crying!' Somehow knowing she had experienced the same situation of crying in the petrol station, not wanting to, but not being able to hold it back, comforted part of me – I can't be as crazy as I seem to think I am, she did it too, and she gets it!
I still felt ridiculous the next day, I wanted to go and thank the young woman for sharing what she did, more so for understanding, and because of that understanding, not judging me, just simply firing rockets of compassion and non-judgement at me! I didn't go, not yet, I'll go when it feels right rather than forcing myself to. Unexpectedly that night I played the young woman from the petrol station as I came across another young woman who I saw doing a a much better job at holding back her tears than I did, however still holding them back, her eyes were red, wet, and swelling as they worked at keeping any tears from escaping! She was clearly trying to not cause a scene, she wanted to be present with the friends she was with and lift herself up, but was finding it challenging to hide what she was feeling – I calmly told her with a straight face that I cried in the petrol station last night, I did not ask if she was okay, I knew she was, I didn't tell her I could see she seemed upset, because it didn't matter, all that mattered was that everything she was feeling and experiencing has no shame and isn't crazy, it happens sometimes and didn't need fixing, nothing about her (or me the other night and day) was broken, we may have worn ourselves out, or held too much in and needed some releasing, but no particular mending. I wanted her to know that I cried in an unwanted place in the hopes to remove any embarrassment she may have been feeling. It seemed to work, I felt her release some of her grip instantly. It was as if naming the unwanted, acknowledging that it was there, her tears and sadness, without shaming them allowed her to ease herself up... she shared that she was really tired, I told her I knew that feeling, I could empathise, I've been there.
We are women, we feel, there is a beauty to feeling and expressing what we feel. When we run ourselves down, or we take too much on board, our bodies will find a way to release what needs releasing in order to help us feel lighter and more joyful, to see clearer and brighter than before! As we venture into the final two days of Autumn, let's release all that is not serving us, let's release all that is weighing us down, and trust that as we release these, we make room for new growth (Spring), after we replenish and go within (Winter).
Be rid of anything that you feel is having negative effects on you in any way. Rid yourself of toxins and negativities and clear the way for fresher, more uplifting energies, vibrations, opportunities and experiences. Be discerning about all elements of your life and make choices that resonate with your true, authentic self. – Joanne, of Sacred Scribes
If I get too controlling of my experience, I miss the magic of flow and synchronicity. I follow my mind instead of my heart, these moments of tears and release appear to always re-align me to Universal Flow (11:11), these moments force me to surrender, which re-aligns me with the miracles and the magic. I wouldn't have it any other way, and although sometimes misunderstood (by myself and others), I would not change being a sensitive, intuitive woman, because I know she is both beautiful and powerful. She is gentle and strong. She is wild and loving. There is a grand difference between crying for release and crying for attention.